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5 Steps That Prove The Ewoks Had A Master Plan To Eat Humans

For many Star Wars fans, when the word “Ewok” comes to mind, it’s easy to reflect on the sweet and cuddly teddy bear-like creatures that reside on the forest moon of Endor. George Lucas has taken an enormous amount of heat in introducing these creatures on screen in Return of the Jedi in 1983. A lot has been said that this was for the sole purpose of selling toys and merchandise.

Who can deny that any child wouldn’t love to have one of these guys as a companion growing up? Not only are they endearing but they are fierce warriors that would do anything to protect those that they care about. By introducing the Ewoks, Lucas was using the impression that even the smallest fighter could take on an evil Empire.

Let’s take a step back for a moment and look at the Ewoks from a different viewpoint. What if audiences have it wrong about the pleasant creatures of Endor? What if these cute and lovable teddy bears were actually ferocious, nasty killers? This isn’t your mother’s precious article about these sweet, adorable real life Teddy Rux Bears.

What if the Ewoks of Endor were carnivorous beasts that loved to feast on meat? Not just any meat, but man flesh! Are they really that endearing, fluffy and primitive after all?

We’re going to play a little game and it’s going to go like this: Rather than taking the perspective of our heroes in Return of the Jedi, we’re going to take that of the Ewoks and twist them into meat eating, terrifying teddy bears with a motive to get food for their village. We’ll use the events of Return of the Jedi as our backdrop and turn it around to venture that these little guys are a lot more than “meats” the eye. In doing so, Ewoks should be considered the most fearsome creatures in all of the Star Wars Galaxy. We’ve had Star Wars zombie novels, why not one about man-eating Ewoks?

Warning though: Spoilers ahead as you might not like the fun that is about to be had and the end result of our favorite heroes…

1. That’s An Awfully Big Net…

Lucasfilm
Lucasfilm

Let’s start off when the original cast of heroes find themselves trapped in the giant net. Not only was Chewbacca foolish enough to “think with his stomach” while unquestionably on the most important Rebel mission of all, but the net was large enough to hold all of them with room to spare.

It’s clear with this first move that the Ewoks of Endor are not just hypothetical primitive creatures. This event alone shows that we’re not dealing with just your run of mill native being. The fact that the Ewoks are apparently hunting large game speaks volumes about their capabilities as a species.

This brings about the point of why such little creatures would need such a large net. What were they looking to catch if not some other massive animal? Instead it appears they got the catch of a lifetime in the unsuspecting Rebels taking an afternoon stroll in the Endor forest. Maybe the Ewoks knew of the Imperial / human presence that was on their planet. It’s unquestionably clear that this trap was set for our unsuspecting heroes.

2. Wicket Was The Smartest One Of Them All

Lucasfilm
Lucasfilm

Prior to our heroes getting caught in the net, it’s clear that the whole event could have been avoided if Princess Leia wouldn’t have fallen for the swoon of the Ewok that she encounters after the chase on the speeder bikes. If you didn’t know, the name of this particular Ewok is Wicket.

The first impression of Wicket is that of ferocity as he was extremely un-trusting of Princess Leia. Eventually, Wicket does help Leia fight off Stormtroopers and it’s after this event that he appears to soften up a little to Leia and her presence on his planet. In retrospect, this clearly isn’t the case. Wicket, the cute little Ewok, has ulterior motives for Leia.

Yub, yub suddenly become more like yum, yum…

Let’s say that when Wicket first stumbled across Leia’s unconscious body he felt pure ecstasy. To the viewers, Wicket appears to be a very young Ewok. That being said let’s also assume he’s out on a rite of passage, hunting for his village to prove his manhood and acceptance into the tribe. Boy did he stumble onto the mother lode: an unspoiled prize that he could take back to his village for lunch time! But wait, this one is still alive!

After Leia regains consciousness, Wicket helps her fight off the Stormtroopers because where there’s one human, there has to be more! Rather than dragging Leia back to the village kicking and screaming, he’s able to convince her to follow him, knowing that others will come looking for her and that his village will have more food beyond the human he was able to find!

3. They Almost EAT Han And Luke

Lucasfilm
Lucasfilm

If there’s no other proof that Ewoks crave man-flesh than look no further than the scene where Han and Luke are almost cooked and eaten by them! Talk about a scene that would have been freighting and detrimental to young children across the world.

Not only were Han and Luke staked and ready to be cooked alive, the Ewoks were passing logs from one to the other while humming a creepy yet catchy tune. I can still hum along to it all of these years later after watching Return of the Jedi as a child! Come on, you can hear it now too, can’t you?

But wait a second; they didn’t have Leia up there with Han and Luke so clearly they weren’t really going to eat them, right? If we go back to the last point, it could be theorized that they were keeping Leia alive to bring even more humans to feast upon. The other humans have to send out another search party to find their lost friends. Or perhaps Han and Luke were only the main course and Leia was going to be the dessert.

What about C-3PO saving the day and not allowing Han and Luke to be cooked alive and then feasted upon? Another good point as C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication; clearly he is able to convince the Ewoks with his deity status not to eat them as we see on screen.

Assume that a few things may have been lost in translation and when explaining the Imperial threat, the Ewoks simply took this as a prospect for even more food! Once again, where there’s one there has to be more. Besides, Han, Luke, Leia and even Chewbacca would only be good for one nights worth of feasting. Knowing that there’s an entire Empire out there only sweetens the pot even further!

4. They Use The Rebels To Catch More Food In Helping Them Defeat The Empire

TheForce.Net
TheForce.Net

So C-3PO saves the day as a golden, Ewok deity and gets Han, Luke and Chewbacca free from becoming the main course of a Star Wars meets Temple of Doom platter. Rather than monkey brain we might have seen Wookie brain. Creepy yet intriguing…

At this point the Ewoks are furious over the prospect of having to share their village for the night with humans while seemingly acting like they are happy about it. After all, they were going to have full bellies moments earlier. Instead of feasting, they’re now starving with the hope and prospect of a bigger catch. If anything, it shows that Ewok patience can match that of a Jedi Knight.

Although C-3PO seems like the hero for saving the others, don’t forget that throughout the franchise he is known for being a bit aloof at times. From Episode I through VI, C-3PO had a lot of moments where he comes across as a “know it all” when that clearly wasn’t the case.

By telling the Ewoks about the Empire, he thinks that he’s enlisting their help for the greater good but in reality the Ewoks are just using the Rebels for more. The Ewoks have the human’s right where they want them. More food is coming. Patience!

5. The End Celebration Is One Big Human Feast

Lucasfilm
Lucasfilm

We all know how the battle goes: The Death Star is destroyed and we see all of the planets across the galaxy celebrating the Empire’s defeat and all of the hoopla on Endor after the mass slaughter of Imperials. How horrifying it must have been to be an Imperial Stormtrooper on Endor.

You’ve taken up the Imperial cause, enlisted in something you believe in to fall at the hands of vicious Snuggy Bears using spears, bows and arrows. This rivals the thousands lost, independent contractors included, in the early days of the Rebellion when the first Death Star was destroyed.

Let’s not digress and get back on track and recognize that the Rebellion has won the day and it’s time to party!

We see little Ewoks hugging Han, Chewbacca dancing with them, even Lando comes down to witness the Stormtrooper head drums, which for all we know still have the heads still stuck in them! It’s a great day as the Emperor has fallen and the Empire has suffered a tremendous defeat. The Rebellion has all but assured ultimate victory for itself and it’s time to party down with the little bears of Endor.

Here’s where things get interesting: We see the last scene with all of our heroes gathered together, smiling and happy. The scene then wipes to the end credits, blaring the classic score from John Williams. The story is complete, Darth Vader is redeemed and the Emperor has fallen. But what the audience doesn’t see after this is the sudden attack of the Ewoks on our heroes.

They leap at them entangling them like dianoga’s from a trash compactor.  It all happens so quick as everyone is taken by surprise. Han has no time to reach for his blaster. Luke’s Force sense is too slow after his battle with Darth Vader and the Emperor as he is quickly swarmed and tied up. Chewbacca howls as he tries to help Han rather than himself due to the life debt he has. The Ewoks no longer need Leia and take care of her quickly while Lando stands there thinking it’s all a big joke before being taken himself.

The story really ends with C-3PO fulfilling his destiny as the god of the Ewoks while R2-D2 is at his side as his court jester. Han, Luke and Lando eventually get staked and skewered over the fire along with Leia this time. With the death of Han and his life debt being a thing of the past, Chewbacca joins the Ewoks because after all, they’re basically just smaller versions of him. Role credits, bring on Star Wars Episode VII: Rise of the Ewok Empire and call it a day.

What do you think? Are the Ewoks ferocious killers that have a sweet tooth for human-flesh? Or has the writer of this piece completely gone off their rocker? Hope you enjoyed the fun and maybe next time you watch Return of the Jedi, you’ll get a little bit of the sick sense of humor that went into writing this and you’ll smirk a bit yourself!

Follow @BrentDiNunzio on Twitter.

3 thoughts on “5 Steps That Prove The Ewoks Had A Master Plan To Eat Humans”

  1. This is like Star Wars fan fiction meets Game of Thrones. A very interesting look at it though. I think the fact that they initially were going to eat them is reason enough not to trust them.

  2. yub yub yub yub.yub yub.yub yub.yub yub.yub yub.yub yub.yub yub.yub yub.yub yub.yub yub.yub yub.yub yub.yub yub.yub yub.yub yub.yub yub.yub yub.

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